My Journey Through Diet Culture and Body Image Struggles - The Hope Wellness Podcast Ep1:

Sharing my story of regaining my health and true happiness after years of dieting, competing in bodybuilding competitions that were all about my body and ultimately getting lost in a world where I was consumed and obsessed with what I looked like and being my smallest self...

From 18-25 years old everything was about my body...

My story started at the young age of 16/17 years old. I didn't make my high school volleyball team and I was devastated. I had always been super active and loved being part of sports and a team in school. This news was what changed everything for me. Shortly after I found out I didn't make the team, I discover a local recreational gym nearby in my neighbourhood. It was my first time in the gym and it was extremely intimidating. Although my mom was an avid gym goer and she had competed in bodybuilding competitions in the past so she was very helpful in guiding me through some movements and giving me some pointers, but ultimately we didn't go to the same gym so a lot of my workouts initially were me just guessing what I was doing.

Over the next few months, I really fell in love with the gym and moving my body. I remember seeing a lot of the other women in the gym having muscles and lifting heavy weights and I thought to myself 'that is how I want to be when I grow up'. I thought it was SO cool and bad ass that women were getting strong and building muscles. Not long into my gym experience, I had this one trainer approach me, he was clearly on the juice but looked nice enough, and I think one day he made a comment something along the lines of 'you'd be great in a bikini competition'. From that moment on, it was in my head. I didn't really know what that would mean or entail, but I started from then on to really apply myself and focus. I started to watch what I was eating, be meticulous about my meals and my training, even going to the gym late at night around 10pm after a serving shift when I was 19 years old.

It was when I was 19, I had graduated high school and was just discovering the world of University and how different everything was, that I decided I was going to compete in my first bodybuilding competition, I was so excited. I hired a coach, she started to train me and guide me through the process. I bought the bikini, I purchased my registration and it was really happening. I'll be totally honest, this first competition I did, because I was so young, I didn't take it seriously whatsoever, I was still drinking on the weekends with friends and kind of just showing up with the bare minimum effort wise for the first few months. Near the end however, I started to really ramp things up and dedicate myself to it. Being on stage and going through that process, I really thought I had found my 'thing', something to dedicate myself to and strive towards, my 'sport' if you will. It felt like I had purpose again.

Little did I know, this journey was only just starting and it was about to be the most turbulent and toxic relationship I ever got into with the sport. Every show I did, the more extreme things got. I was barely eating carbs, my meals were so low on calories, and yet I was in the gym for a minimum of 2 hours and on the stair master for 1 hour every day. It was torturous hell, and yet something inside me kept going down the path. I think it was my personality trait of wanting to prove something to myself and others, I am quite hard on myself and when I get focused on something, I will not quit. So I kept on, and ended up doing 4 shows in the time frame of 3 years, travelling to different parts of Canada to compete only to see that every time I levelled up in the division I was in, more and more of the women were even MORE extreme and clearly on steroids. I began to question what I was even doing.

I was basically binging every moment I got. I was severely deprived and starving most of the day everyday, and all I could think about was food. I distinctly remember scrolling through Instagram and looking and food photos because I was so restricted and deprived. My body was screaming at me for proper nourishment, but it would be a long time until I finally gave it that. At this point, almost 4 years into this journey, I was finally starting to see that these behaviours and habits I was so deeply stuck in were not normal and definitely not healthy.

I struggled for years with restrictive eating patterns, being terrified to eat enough and a negative body image. It felt like my whole world revolved around food, my body and my negative mindset every single day, and no matter what I did it was never good enough, I was never good enough in my own mind... I struggled with binge eating, fear and guilt around food, didn't really know how to nourish my body properly and was way over doing it on cardio. My body was in a high stressed state and running off cortisol for years, but I had no idea how dysregulated my nervous system and inner health truly was.

It was a long but empowering road to recovery...

It took a lot of inner work, time and patience, and ultimately me going through a toxic break up and chronic injury/pain for me to finally wake up and embark on the journey that would lead me towards healing, empowering myself and regaining my health and happiness back. I knew that I no longer wanted to be a prisoner to diet culture and wasting my life obsessing over my body. I wanted to enjoy my life, enjoy foods I love, make memories with people in my life and be able to go on spontaneous lunch dates (free of guilt of course), and so I knew I had to change my ways. This also lead to me helping other women along the way, and eventually I built Hope Wellness, my online wellness platform that has now helped hundreds of women heal their relationship with food and their body's, understand true health and nourishment, repair their outlook on exercise and ultimately regain their confidence to thrive in their lives.

In this podcast episode I share...

Everything that happened along the way in my journey that eventually lead me towards freedom and peace. Along with all the struggles and bumps in the roads I faced, how I dug myself out of those negative mindset loops and what things ultimately changed the course of my life. I can't wait for you to dive into the Hope Wellness podcast where we are here to heal TOGETHER.

Listen Here: The Hope Wellness Podcast Ep1 - My Journey